April 28, 2007

SATURDAY, APRIL 28TH, 2007

What else can I expect from a guy who insists that Bush is a brilliant leader, Cheney a misunderstood teddy bear and Rove an honest, morally superior patriot?

So I'm at the museum (where I work) the other day and I'm walking back to the store after checking on a birthday party. I hear a shuffle and I look around to see one of the museum volunteers (also, board member) walking toward me. I get an instant sphincter-pucker because this guy annoys the crap out of me and he's going to intercept me as I reach the water fountains and I can tell he has something on his creepy little mind because he has a twinkle in his beady little eyes. Sure enough, when he's within 8 or 10 feet of me, he raises his hand and pokes a finger in the air in my direction. Before he even opens his mouth to speak, I am certain that he's about to say something that will make me want to throttle him. Other than "Hello", pretty much everything he has ever uttered has seemed custom designed to nettle me. But in that nano-second, before his words slip out, I check myself and decide to smile broadly at him and assume the best and then, still jabbing the air toward my mid-section, he says, "Wow, you've really packed on the pounds." I was still smiling, but my eyebrows had popped up when my jaw dropped. Several thoughts rushed through my head: kill the cretin where he stands, walk away shaking my head in astonishment or tell him off in no uncertain terms. For some reason I just shook my head, squinted at him and said, "My, you are observant. Yes, I've gained about 25 lbs in the last few months." The practical part of my brain assured me that, at least at this point, he couldn't possibly make it any worse. That's when he said, "Is that because of the meds?" There were now two possible outcomes: Walk back to the museum store and explain to my (likely sympathetic) boss why L. was now crawling around on the floor collecting some of his teeth or take this opportunity to practice a more Zen approach and let it go. The first option would require a lot of follow up and explanation, so I went for letting it go. Because it's very difficult for me not to jump at any chance to permanently rid myself of people who I find generally offensive, I did this by imagining what high-school must have been like for this short, whiny, cross-eyed, pudgy boor. I imagine it must have been Hell. I tell myself that the fact that this merely resulted in another rude, thoughtless twit is far better than the possible outcome of a gun-brandishing nut with lots of ammo and an death wish. I smiled as sweetly as I could and answered, "No. No meds, just stress and Ben & Jerry. But thanks for noticing." As I turned and quickly walked away, I patted myself on the back for showing some restraint. I have promised myself that I will avoid him like the plague from now on. As I get older I realize that every time I make the choice to let it go, I perhaps buy myself another day, month or year without an aneurysm, heart-attack or cancer. However, if he pisses me off again, I'm thinking of putting marbles in his hubcaps, petroleum jelly under his car door handle and, schedule allowing, him in his trunk.